So, I have not written in here for some time now and thought that this would be the perfect out pouring of my dying soul.

Everyday I want to die. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I wish for it. I hope that death comes to visit, and everyday he forgets and I wait anxiously for the coming day.

I encourage death to come. I drive fast, cut deeply, and continue with the eractic and unacceptable behavior. I don't do it in the presence of other people. They know but do not understand.

I live in a new family now. I have left Michelle and my Mom and everyone else who was unhealthy to me. I live in a healthy place but yet I still hold onto the unhealthiness and support it's ill effects. I want to die and it gives me permission to feel that way. I don't need permission but it's the perfect excuse.

One of my new family members Lisa asked me if I was "on a suicidal mission"? I wanted to scream yes don't you see, but I said no. I know that she struggles with some of the same things, but I can't tell her that I really feel the same way.

I also dream of Overdosing again and not waking up from it. They won't give me Zanex again, but I am trying to convince them to. I know that with Zanex I could do some major damage. I wish that they would just give the damn medicine and let me make my own decisions.

The panic, anxiety, and depression, are right under the surface and I wish that they could just come out but they can't and they won't. I love a lot of people in this world but they are not worth what I have to feel everyday.

I want to be best friends with death and want to just just embrace it. So the next time you hear from death send him my way. I want to meet him and hold him, and embrace him.

Well I refuse to sleep tonight to much going on tomorrow. I'm emotionally drained but I just can't sleep.

Let's see yesterday was my therapy session from hell in which my therapist went through and basically told me that something exisisted that never really crossed my mind. So now I have to deal with the fact that I may have been living in a fantasy world. Fantasy worlds rock! Stay out of mine.

Then there's the whole thing of tomorrow is my urology appointment. Maybe they will finally be able to tell me what is wrong , since I think that having a UTI (Urinary Tract Infection) for more than 6 weeks just insn't normal at all. My doctor the last time I was in put me on an anit-biotic and stay on it till you see the urologist. Well I think that right there speaks volumes.

So tomorrow is it. I am ready for news what kind of news? Any as long as there is an answer and a cure somewhere. I'm tired of being in pain all the time. Life just isn't fair that way I made a good decision so life is punishing me. Well I'm tired of being punished and shut out and lead astray and ignored and barated and LIED to by all the people I love, like my family.

PLEASE STOP LYING TO ME I KNOW WHEN PEOPLE LIE TO ME. IT ISN'T CUTE. IT ISN'T FUNNY. IT JUST NOT NICE, AND YOU ARE HURTING ME VERY BADLY!

The above is not for any single person it's just how I feel, and speaking of feelings I got mine hurt again tonight. I was saying to cHELLe and Stevie that I wasn't going to have any kids and she was like "no i guess not you've already had two". She didn't do this on purpose and she's not the one who hurt me. It wasn't cHELLe either it my mother.

I'M NOT A NANNY OR A SURROGATE MOTHER. I AM A SISTER AND A DAUGHTER AND EVEN A STEP-DAUGHTER, HERE'S A HINT... I MAY ACT LIKE IT IF YOU DIDN'T TREAT ME AS THE HIRED HELP IN HOUSE.

Agggggggghhhhhhhhhh. Why won't people just go away. I need to find a guy, scratch that make it two. One that I can grow to love and eventually settle down with and have a family with and everything else I've ever dreamed. The other to screw his brains out cause I'm sorry I'm 20 years old and ready-willing-and-able! So, world beware, I'm here and looking for a guy to screw!

more moving

I swear I live in Hell. Figurativly, cause the house that I live in is the greatest HOME I've ever had and I've only lived there for a couple of weeks.

So tonight I called my mom and told her I'd be over around 5 to pick some more of my stuff up and she was like okay. Well I left around 4 and it only takes 5-6 minutes to get from here to there, so I stopped at the flower shop to see Anne. So of course I ended up helpign since tomorrow is mother's day. Well I noticed it was getting really close to 5 and that I was still needed so I called my mom and told her that I was running late and that I probably woudn't be over till 6. So then she got an attitude and I was like well you know you don't have to be there for me to get my stuff I do have a key, and she was like "no, that's okay". I guess she doens't want me alone in her house.

So I left what I was doing and went over to get my stuff, I didn't want to have to hear it. So I got the stuff out of the closet where it had been shoved and heavy things put on the top shelf and put it all in the backseat area of my car. Then I asked mom for help with my desk cause I wasn't asking her husband. Well she was in the middle of dressing the baby so I went into the attic and got som more of my boxes. Then she asked her husband to carry it out. Well it didnt' fit into the back of my car so I had to leave it there. Along with my chair and my bike.

Then since that didn't fit I put the stuff from the attic in my car and those boxes were heavy but heaven forbid someone say can I help. LIFE SUCKS!

Went back to the shop afterwards and saw Anne she gonna let me work for her tomorrow so I can make some extra cash. She rox.

cHELLe ROCKS!!!

more moving

I swear I live in Hell. Figurativly, cause the house that I live in is the greatest HOME I've ever had and I've only lived there for a couple of weeks.

So tonight I called my mom and told her I'd be over around 5 to pick some more of my stuff up and she was like okay. Well I left around 4 and it only takes 5-6 minutes to get from here to there, so I stopped at the flower shop to see Anne. So of course I ended up helpign since tomorrow is mother's day. Well I noticed it was getting really close to 5 and that I was still needed so I called my mom and told her that I was running late and that I probably woudn't be over till 6. So then she got an attitude and I was like well you know you don't have to be there for me to get my stuff I do have a key, and she was like "no, that's okay". I guess she doens't want me alone in her house.

So I left what I was doing and went over to get my stuff, I didn't want to have to hear it. So I got the stuff out of the closet where it had been shoved and heavy things put on the top shelf and put it all in the backseat area of my car. Then I asked mom for help with my desk cause I wasn't asking her husband. Well she was in the middle of dressing the baby so I went into the attic and got som more of my boxes. Then she asked her husband to carry it out. Well it didnt' fit into the back of my car so I had to leave it there. Along with my chair and my bike.

Then since that didn't fit I put the stuff from the attic in my car and those boxes were heavy but heaven forbid someone say can I help. LIFE SUCKS!

Went back to the shop afterwards and saw Anne she gonna let me work for her tomorrow so I can make some extra cash. She rox.

cHELLe ROCKS!!!

Long days

I had a CT scan on tuesday because of the whole UTI/ bladder infection thing. That was not fun. I had to drink Barium and then they injected a contrast dye. Life just sucks. I won't really know anything until my doctor gets back from vacation so life is up in the air.
Wednesday wasn't to terribly bad. I had choir and then I went to Chelle's (oh, and I'm officially moving in on Saturday). 2 officers showed up looking for Rusty from the sex offenders office. Well she did the best thing ever and didn't try to hide him. It really screwed the kids up and I want to be there for everyone I'm just not really sure as to where I fit in.
Yesterday was the day from hell. Jacob had a fever of like 102.4 so he didn't go to school. So I got to leave without him. Then on the way to work I had an accident in which I rear ended someone who rear ended someone. Was not good at all. The good news was no major damage to anyone or their cars but I did get taken to the emergency room because my chest and shoulder hurt from the seatbelt.
Anyway after that was all said and done Mom picked me up and we went back to work. Then after work we picked up my car and I tried to make my appointment with Sue but showed up at 7:30. She had already gone on to another meeting and then the handbells saw me. Stevie asked me to play so I did. It was fun.
I went to Chelle's afterwards and she just was overworked. Her kids are in such pain and she's at wit's end. She doesn't know what's going on with Rusty, and it's driving her nuts. I wish there was some way to find out just to calm her nerves. Everyones nerves actually. I know it's not my fault that any of this happened but it really feels that way.
I stayed away from most people on Friday so it was a good day. I was actually in a good mood. Then I got to go home and pack. Yay, I'm out of there. When my mom was making dinner she went through some mail and found a letter from Kori. I was so excited I hadn't heard from her in a while. She's so lucky she has a great husband.
I actually moved out after work on Saturday. It was nice my mom actually helped me not that she wanted me to stay anyway. She even let me use her precious car to move stuff. It was so cute Jacob carried a box all the way out to the car by himself. My mother even surprised me and came over to help me move stuff in.

Ouch

OUCH!!!! Bladder infections suck... I blame all men... men are the route of all evil... hint the devil is male.... The Pastor is male.... Men suck...

This one isn't as bad as the last time but it still hurts pretty badly. I already called the doctor and oh what a nice dotor she's calling in a prescription for me. She rocks and I have an appointment with her on Monday.

So maybe my meds will get straightened out and they will find the route of this evil... although it's probably because of men.

LOVE YA'LL LOTS!!! Partae at Applebeees!!!

Fun! Fun?

Last night was definitely interesting... I went out with my best friend last night (cHELL) and some of her co-workers. We went to the local applebees, which was really fun. Chelle had 2 bahama mama's along with Lolly, Leita had a Miller, and the rest of us didn't drink, but we all were a little Loopy.
I do remember a lot more than I think I or OTHERS give me credit for. I remember talking about John and John and how one was a good ride but the other wasn't. Then there was the discussion of the things we could make the balloon animals do, which were made by Teddy "the homey" Clown.
Do people not realize that I care about everyone and that I never want to really see anybody hurting (except for Pastor Steve who can go to hell and burn for being a liar). I want Sue to stay but I know it's not very possible and as much as I want to leave there is that little part of me that wants to stay and be in my comfort zone forever.
I think one of the main reasons that I'm leaving is because of my family. None of them want me. The answering machine at my Mom's house goes something like this; "Hi you've reached Kevin, Jayne, Jacob and Justin...." They couldn't even put me on the answering machine so fuck them I'm not going to deal with their shit any more.
So to all my new "friends" Christy, Lolly, Laura and Leita ya'll rock and it's only 8 months and 6 days till I turn 21!!!!!!