So, I have not written in here for some time now and thought that this would be the perfect out pouring of my dying soul.

Everyday I want to die. Not a day goes by that I don't think about it. I wish for it. I hope that death comes to visit, and everyday he forgets and I wait anxiously for the coming day.

I encourage death to come. I drive fast, cut deeply, and continue with the eractic and unacceptable behavior. I don't do it in the presence of other people. They know but do not understand.

I live in a new family now. I have left Michelle and my Mom and everyone else who was unhealthy to me. I live in a healthy place but yet I still hold onto the unhealthiness and support it's ill effects. I want to die and it gives me permission to feel that way. I don't need permission but it's the perfect excuse.

One of my new family members Lisa asked me if I was "on a suicidal mission"? I wanted to scream yes don't you see, but I said no. I know that she struggles with some of the same things, but I can't tell her that I really feel the same way.

I also dream of Overdosing again and not waking up from it. They won't give me Zanex again, but I am trying to convince them to. I know that with Zanex I could do some major damage. I wish that they would just give the damn medicine and let me make my own decisions.

The panic, anxiety, and depression, are right under the surface and I wish that they could just come out but they can't and they won't. I love a lot of people in this world but they are not worth what I have to feel everyday.

I want to be best friends with death and want to just just embrace it. So the next time you hear from death send him my way. I want to meet him and hold him, and embrace him.